adventures in dating (or how to lose a girl in one phone call)

I read a lot of advice about online dating.  Some of the advice seems so commonsense, I find myself thinking:  nobody really does that, do they?  I figured out this weekend there’s a reason I keep reading the same advice.  Because some people are still not following it!

keyboard for internet dating

I got an email from a New Guy this weekend.  It was a nice friendly email, complimenting my pictures.  That’s always a good start!  Every girl likes compliments.  At least, this girl does.

I checked out his profile and he was age appropriate and cute.

I was at a stoplight driving home from Charlotte, and I didn’t have time to read his profile.  But I could see it was fairly long, which seemed like a good sign!

I sent him a reply email letting him know I was on the road and I’d email him later.  Just enough to let him know I was interested.

He emailed back right away.  Said he understood.  And gave me his cell number, in case that made it easier.

A text or two later, he offered to call.

woman holding cell phone

The conversation started on safe ground.  He was home alone with his dog.  A rescue dog that’s part Chihuahua and part Rat Terrier.  I love dogs, so that seemed sweet.  I have two rescue dogs, so that part seemed admirable.

Then he segued into a downward spiral.  I told him I was on my way home from Charlotte.  He said he’d never taken a vacation.  Never been out of the country.  Because his dad was in the Navy for 31 years.  Wait.  Wait.  What?  A forty-one year old man has never taken a vacation because the father was in the Navy?  A father whose home he should have left at least 20 years ago?  Really?

Then he commented on the fact that I’m an attorney.  Then proceeded to tell me all about his frustrations with his son’s mother.  (Let’s call her Baby Mama #1, for easy reference.)  Baby Mama #1 doesn’t follow any of the court orders.  The Court never does anything to her. He has to keep suing her.  His lawyer is his best friend.  Because they spend so much time suing Baby Mama #1.  Who committed Medicaid fraud and they’re trying to figure out how to get her in trouble for that, too.

And did he mention he has issues with his daughter’s mother, who lives in Florida?  (Let’s call her Baby Mama #2.)  He’s suing Baby Mama #2, also.  But the Courts in Florida aren’t cooperating.

By the way, he doesn’t really have money for vacations, or nice dinners, or sailing, because his son has a rare medical condition.  And Baby Mama #1 committed Medicaid fraud.  (Sorry, but he really did bring that up a few times!)  So that takes up all of his spare cash.

Then he told me a compelling story of his friend, the 27-year-old Federal Express deliveryman.  (Let’s call him Sugar Baby.)  Sugar Baby delivered to expensive homes in the ritzy part of Mt. Pleasant.  He met a fifty-something year old billionaire entrepreneur.  She asked him to dinner, which he went on even though he had a girlfriend.  She convinced him to marry her, and now Sugar Baby is running a billionaire dollar business.  (Some Sugar Babies have all the luck!)

Then we talked about his friend, who’s a girl, but just a friend. She always needs money.  She even asks him for $20 for gas. Which he can’t afford, but he gives it to her anyway.  He tells her she needs to find a sugar daddy and he needs a sugar mama.

Did I mention the part of the conversation where he never got to go to college because his dad was in the Navy for 31 years?  (By the way, my daddy was in the Navy for 20 years.  And I managed to graduate from college and law school.)

After a few more comments about how I was smart (this is true), and a lawyer (also true), and I had money (um, not so much), I told New Guy I had to go.  I’d talk to him later.  Thanks for calling.

Not one to give up, New Guy sent a couple more texts.  Being somewhat perceptive, he asked if he’d said something wrong.

Now, I am a nice person.  Really.  I swear I am!  So, I texted back that it seemed like he had a lot on his plate.

New Guy told me he was sorry it seemed that way, and he had it all under control.  He just wanted to be honest.

I’m still nice, so I told New Guy I’m looking for someone who could pick up and go on the weekend, travel, do things.  And it seemed like we were at different places in our lives.

His responseI knew it was all about money.

There really wasn’t a nice response to that, so I just deleted him.  I’m just sorry I didn’t copy the texts first, so I could post a picture for you to see!  I do not make this stuff up.

So, let’s recap the rules if you want to lose a girl in one phone call.

1.         Blame your father’s career choice for your inability to get an education or accomplish your life’s desires.  Even though you should have moved out of your parents’ house over twenty years ago.


2.         Tell a girl whose profile makes it clear she likes to travel and try new things that you have never taken a vacation and won’t be taking one anytime soon.


3.         Tell any girl you don’t have the money to take her to dinner, but you’d like sitting around the house snuggling.


4.         Tell a girl who is more educated than you stories of successful and potential sugar babies.


5.         Make sure to explain all about your Baby Mama Drama! The more Baby Mamas the better!

Question:  Have you ever had a potential beau crash and burn on the first phone call?  Or have you ever been the one to crash and burn?

8 thoughts on “adventures in dating (or how to lose a girl in one phone call)

  1. O.M.G. Does the Universe keep sending you these creeps so you can continue to amuse us with your Crazy Dating Antics? P.S. I want to know the expletive-deleted response!! 😉

  2. Pingback: are you tired of starting over yet? | my balanced life

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