Tag Archive | internet dating

adventures in dating (or no adventures, no dating)


Everyone's in a relationship and I'm just sitting here like "....I love my dog."

My lungs are still leading a revolution.  Each day, I accomplish the bare minimum required to sustain work and life.  Thank goodness The Genius is 16 and self-sufficient!

I’m spending the majority of my time lying in bed doing my impersonation of Doc Holliday in Tombstone.

Cough. Cough. Cough.

Val Kilmer did a much better job of it than I am!

Seems like as good a time as any to update my dating site profiles.  New pictures, new descriptions, new batch of potential dates.

I haven’t met anyone new on the dating sites since I started dating Nature Boy.  My last first date was someone I’ve known for years.  Somehow dating someone from a dating site is less pressure – if it doesn’t work out, you never see him again.  No harm.  No foul.

I remind myself that’s how I met Coach, who I dated for four months. Coach who catches better than any man I’ve ever dated.  Coach who has started texting again.  From Colorado.

You are still so very pretty girl.

Somehow when he says it, I believe it.

Take note, Universe:  I’m ready for another beau.  One who makes me feel the good things I felt with Coach and Nature Boy.  And maybe some good things I haven’t felt yet.

Just as soon as I can get through a sentence without coughing on one.

adventures in dating (or one frog at a time)


Frog with a crown

I am still looking for my Prince Charming, one frog at a time.  My sweet friend, Lisa, gave me this little toad to keep me company until I find him.  Toad kept her company until she found her sweet, handsome, sexy husband.  She passed Toad on to me in hopes that he will bring me the same luck he brought her.

The last couple of weeks have been interesting.  Well, the entire year has been interesting!  But the newest participant in the Find Regina Mae a Beau sweepstakes has raised the bar.

I signed up for eHarmony.  Again.  The matches have been pouring in. Keeping up with them would be a full time job!

I spend most of my time deleting the completely inappropriate matches.  Lives eight or more hours away?  Delete.  No picture?  Delete.  Old enough to be my daddy?  Delete.

(Strangely, I never have to delete anyone who’s young enough to be my son.  But eHarmony has no problem matching men to women who are young enough to be their daughters.  File that under things that make you go hmmmmm.)

About a week and a half ago, I got a notice that someone sent me a message.  I checked out his profile and he seemed cute, somewhat local, semi-age appropriate, and potentially interesting.  On the last page of his profile, I found his phone number in code!

Nancy Drew has nothing on me.  I cracked that code like the geeky girl I am, took a chance and sent him a text.  Bingo! He said I’m the first girl to figure out his little code. (Finally, all those years of reading Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys and Trixie Belden paid off!)

He’s texted me daily.  He finally asked when we were going to meet in person the day my friend came to visit from Colorado.

I assured him I’d love to meet him in person after she leaves town.

He texted again Saturday morning while I was at brunch.

text message

text message

Wait. Wait. What?

We haven’t even met in person and he’s already inviting me to St. Thomas?

Tempting as that is, because nobody loves a sandy beach more than this girl, why would any man think I’d say yes to an invitation to leave the country and share a hotel room with a man I’ve never met in person?  Haven’t even spoken to on the phone??

And how much fun would I be responsible for?  I mean, seriously now, I am the Queen of Fun.  But, eHarmony Dude doesn’t know that!  We haven’t even met yet!!

It’s a mad, mad world!  Do women really agree to go on trips out of the country with men they don’t even know?

Could he really not wait until we’d at least met in person before asking me to go to St. Thomas?

Looks like Toad will be keeping me company a little longer.

adventures in dating (or am I ready yet)


hot pink daisy

I keep receiving the same piece of dating advice.  It comes in a few different forms.

  • Are you ready yet?

 

  • Maybe you’re just not ready.

 

  • Don’t focus on finding the right one – focus on being the right one.

 

I appreciate the advice.  I really do.  But sometimes I wonder if my advisors really mean:

  • You’re not ready.

 

  • If you were better, you’d find someone.

 

  • There’s something wrong with you.

 

The people giving me this advice are friends who love me.  Because I know that’s true, I try to interpret their advice in the best light.

  • You aren’t strong enough yet to withstand the rejection inherent in dating.

 

  • You can’t control when the “Right One” will find you, but you can control yourself – spending time in ways that prepare yourself to be a great partner.

 

But honestly, even those interpretations sting a little.

For over twenty years, I read every self-help, marriage-saving book I could put my hands on.  The ones recommended by friends and the ones I found meandering through Barnes & Nobles.

The recurring theme in all these books was, “You can’t change anyone but yourself.  So quit trying to change your spouse.  Change yourself and save your marriage!”

I admit that is a simplification.  I agree that you can’t make anyone else change.

I took the message from these books to heart.  Did my best to be a better wife.  But none of it was enough to save my marriage.  That knowledge haunts me, even three years later.  Because whatever I did, it wasn’t enough.  I wasn’t enough.

After more than twenty years, I’m single.  Happily single, truthfully.  I have a good life filled with love, children of my flesh and of my heart, family who are friends and friends who are family.  A seemingly unending supply of Team A boys to date.

Just because he broke my heart doesn’t mean I’m broken.  I am whole and happy.  Funny and sweet.  I walk through life with my mind and my heart open, ready to love the people God and life sends to me.

Is it wrong to wish that one of those people would be a man who would love me beyond measure?  Someone to stand by me during life’s crises?  Someone to wake up next to at 3:00 a.m.?

Am I ready?  Do my friends see something in me I don’t?  I wish there were a test to take to see if you’re “ready” or not.  I’m an excellent test taker!  I wish there were a course to take to get “ready”.  I love courses!

When I am ready, will I stop feeling like a giant love failure?  When I am ready, will I open up like a daisy in full bloom?  My heart as wide open as the daisy’s petals?

Question:  If you’ve found The One, did you have an epiphany of readiness before you met them?

adventures in dating (or pick a team)


Twenty twelve has been my year to learn how to be single again.   I have been on more dates this year than during the entirety of my pre-marital dating life.

baseball players in the dugout

Last year, I read an article by Holly Sidell, He’s Not The One.  Her concept?  That you should approach every man you date as if he is not “THE ONE.”  I remember at the time feeling a little angry and discouraged by her take on dating.

Right after reading her article, I met and started dating Coach.   In spite of all my self-pep-talks that he was NOT THE ONE, I still managed to fall for him.  Literally and figuratively.

By the time I embarked on my New Year’s Eve cruise with my darling friends, Mark and Geoff, I found my own approach to dating.

Every man you date probably isn’t going to be happily ever after.

Thinking about each man as a potential love match leads to a lot of disappointment, tears and frustration.

But thinking about each man as NOT THE ONE was, frankly, just as disappointing and frustrating.

On the cruise, I told Mark and Geoff that I was going to start sorting men into two teams.

Team A is Team Available. I enjoy spending time with these men.  But for any number of possible reasons, they are not appropriate for the position of THE ONE.  When we are both available, we have drinks, watch a movie, spend time together.  When either or both of us aren’t available, we don’t.  No harm.  No foul.  No hurt feelings, disappointment or tears.

Team B is Team Boyfriend.  These are the men I feel a connection with or am drawn to for something more than just casual dates.  They have substance.  They are smart and funny.  They are the ones I can imagine blending lives with, waking up next to for days, months or years.

We had a great deal of fun the rest of the cruise pointing at different men and mouthing, “Team A” or “Team B”.

Team A?  The young hardbodies.  And sometimes, just for fun, the middle-aged, shlumpy, overweight men, too.

Team B? The handsome forty-somethings with laugh-lines.

As much fun as we had joking about this on the cruise, I implemented it when we got back.  The Team concept has been the best thing I’ve done since I started dating.  It helps keep things in perspective.

There isn’t enough attachment to the Team A players for hurt feelings when they don’t call.  In spite of that, they do a great job of keeping you busy and occupied until a Team B player shows up!

They also help keep you busy when the Team B fella shows up.  Which, apparently, makes you even more desired by the Team B guy.  I have it on pretty good authority that men want the unattainable.  The best way to seem like a busy challenge is to be a busy challenge!  Team A guys are great at keeping you busy.

baseball player hitting a home run

I’ve moved a few potential Team B players to Team A.  Like major league players shifted down to the minor leagues.  Most Team A players do not have the option of getting bumped up to Team B, just like most minor leaguers never make it to the majors.

Nature Boy could have been the exception to that rule.  Which makes sense, since he was the exception to all my other rules, too.

Question:  What is your best dating tip?  How did it help?

adventures in dating (or fool me twice, shame on me)


As accomplished as I think I am in identifying far-away scam artists, I am equally unaccomplished at identifying the close-at-home scam artists.

bengal tiger crouched waiting on its prey

Before I dated Coach, I met a local man on-line.  He, too, went by Coach because he coaches his son’s traveling baseball team.  I met him on one of those dating sites.  The fishing one, I think.  I thought his bald head was as sexy as can be.  (I have no idea where this fascination with bald men came from but it seems to have stuck.)

He came on hard and fast.  I didn’t stand a chance.  He was like a snake charmer, and I, the mesmerized cobra.

According to him, I am beautiful and charming.

Cute as a bug.  Pretty as a picture.  The perfect woman.

He made me laugh until I snorted.  And then told me how much he loved women who snort when they laugh.

Online chats.  Late night texts.  Plans for a first date.  All the while, a constant onslaught of charming compliments.

The first date was fun but ended a little awkwardly.  In spite of that, by the time I got home, I had a text waiting from him.

Two or three weeks of daily calls and texts.  Two or three dates.  And then poof!

Somehow, this charming man found me.  Like a tiger separating the weakest deer from the herd.  He told me all the things I didn’t even realize I needed to hear.  And then contentedly walked away from my eviscerated body.

Men can be charming or sincere.  Women are drawn to charm but we’d be better off seeking sincerity.

In retrospect, it isn’t any wonder I fell for this charming man.

There were not a lot of compliments during my marriage.  I remember once asking my ex if I were beautiful.  His response?  “Well, you’re beautiful to me.”  (Emphasis his.)  After that answer, I wasn’t ever tempted to ask the question again.

My ex was usually quick to tell me I was a great mother.  A great lawyer, for a woman.  Smart, too.  For a woman.

But I never felt beautiful when I was with him.  I spent over twenty years with someone who never made me feel beautiful. Or sexy.  Certainly not the perfect woman.

I don’t remember my daddy ever telling me I’m beautiful, either.  Or pretty.  He always told me I am smart.  (And never felt compelled to add the caveat “for a woman”.  I am smart.  Period.)

He always told me I could go to school, have a career, take care of myself.  And I did go to school.  Earned my doctorate of jurisprudence.  I have a successful career as a lawyer and mediator.  I take care of myself, my children and everyone around me.

My daddy reinforced many of my best qualities.  But I wish he’d also told me how pretty I was.  Maybe then I wouldn’t have been such easy prey for a sweet-talking man.

Question:  How susceptible are you to sweet-talking men?  Have you found the secret to withstanding their charming assault?

adventures in dating (or scam me once shame on you)


keyboard return button labeled "find my date"

Online dating is an adventure.  I have met fun, interesting men like Coach through online dating sites.   I’ve also met a few interesting men like that fella who told me all his life troubles in a ten minute phone call.

One of the first men I spoke to online was a charming, handsome, half-Italian widower with a young son.  He wanted to know all about me.  He thought I was charming and beautiful.  And eventually, he wanted me to wire money to pay for his son’s medical treatments after a disastrous accident during a vacation in Thailand.

online dating love

When I met him, I was new to online dating.  I was new to any kind of dating.  The last time I dated, there were no cell phones, computers or online anything.

I am an intelligent, educated woman.  But I still liked the attention of the charming man with the tragic life story.

His wife died in childbirth, leaving him a young widower with a baby boy to raise alone.  He was a professional, an architect who worked for himself in Virginia, an eight or ten hour drive from my house.  He and his son were going on a trip of a lifetime to Thailand.

When he emailed about the “terrible accident” he and his son were involved in while in Thailand, my antennae started twitching.  When he emailed that he needed to “borrow” money to pay for his son’s medical treatments, I realized I was being scammed.  Even though I didn’t respond, he still sent one more email with a more basic scam.  Could he have money wired into my account and then could I forward it to him.

I told this handsome, charming man up front that I was an attorney.  In spite of that, he tried to scam me out of money.  A few weeks later, I spoke to a newly-single, professional friend who had a similar story.

Since then, I analyze online profiles differently.  Here are some of the red flags I look for.

  • Sentence structure that is not correct.  The words aren’t misspelled, but the syntax isn’t quite right.
  • His wife died in childbirth.  Sometimes the babies died with them.  Other times the child is still around.
  • One of his parents is from Italy, or Australia, or any country other than the United States.
  • He insists on swapping personal emails very quickly.  Then he shuts down his dating profile.
  • He want you to be his “queen”.
  • He is effusively complimentary when he doesn’t know enough about you to know how fabulous you really are.
  • He doesn’t not live close enough to arrange an in-person meeting.  This allows him to promise a meeting without ever actually following through.

My friend and I were lucky.  We are smart, professional women who didn’t get fooled by the scam artists who crossed our paths.  I wonder how many other women aren’t as lucky as we are.

Question:  Have you ever run across a scam artist on a dating site?

adventures in dating (or dating is like panning for gold)


Woman panning for gold

Dating is a lot like prospecting for gold.  You have to have the right equipment.  You spend a lot of time sifting through sand and muck to find a few pieces of gold.  Then you have to sort through the flecks still in the pan to see if it is real gold or just fool’s gold.

I’ve been doing a lot of prospecting since my divorce.  I’ve signed up on dating websites. I’ve let my friends and acquaintances know I’m single and available.

I spend a few hours a week sifting through emails and profile pages, the sand and muck of dating.

I sift through looking for the men who are real gold.  I spend time emailing them before giving them my cell phone number.  Texts and phone calls are dating precursors.  Shaking, always shaking the pan, sifting out the sand and muck.

Then there are the dates with the men who seem like potential gold. But are they real gold, or just fool’s gold?

Nugget of fool's gold

fool’s gold

The problem with fool’s gold is that it looks a lot like gold.  More than one prospector has been embarrassed thinking they’d found real gold when they really just had a big chunk of fool’s gold.  Every dater knows that feeling, too.  You think you’ve found someone golden, only to realize that they’re just fool’s gold.

So, what’s a dater to do?  The first thing you do when you find a nugget is smell it.  Real gold has no smell.  Fool’s gold smells like sulfur.  Trust your senses when you are prospecting for men, too.  If you spend enough time with them, your senses will know the difference between the real men and the fool’s gold.

The second test every prospector knows is to check the malleability of the nugget.  If you bite it, and it leaves teeth marks, it’s real gold.  Fool’s gold is brittle, but real gold is easily indented.   So, go ahead and give it a little nibble to see if it’s real gold or fool’s gold. 

I’m enjoying the nibbling right now.  Enjoying the process of figuring out who is fool’s gold and who is real gold.  Most people will show you pretty quickly which kind of gold they are.

Believe people when they tell you who they are.  If someone admits to being fool’s gold, no matter how much they look like real gold, believe them.  Nobody lies about being fool’s gold.

Question:  How do you separate the fool’s gold from the real gold in your love life?